Venice Episode 2: The One Where Gina Says Fucktard

I’d like to start this post by thanking everyone for their warm, friendly comments on my first post. I was a little worried people might not like the blog, but from what I could tell, it was unanimously enjoyed by all.

Let’s start this week’s Venice review with a few short words about the website: It’s pretty… and sad.

Moving on.

This week, our first glimpse into the world of Venice is a pan of a few shops. I think. The video is a bit grainy and pixelated, so it’s not exactly easy to tell.

I was under the impression a $10 subscription fee would lead to high-quality video goodness for all. Attempting to watch this full-screen on a 22″ monitor is not pretty. Maybe we have to wait a few more weeks for that. Sometimes I can be ever so impatient. It’s a personality flaw of mine. I understand. Really. I do. I understand relativistic quantum field theory too. I swear. I just hope the person who paid for my subscription (I like to call her my wealthy benefactor) will be as understanding.

We begin today’s story with the sassy assistant and her mute underling. I named him Igor.  The credits tell us his name is Cliff, but I’ve decided to simply make up my own names for characters until I’m told their real names.  Michele is great in the first part of this scene (I use her name because Gina briefly mentions it over the phone in the first episode.  The connection between the person on the phone in that episode and the character we see in this episode is tenuous at best, but I’ll go along with it).   There is, however, one small thing I question.  She tells Igor, in reference to a few documents, “These are old; they can go away.  Make them go away.”  Interesting.  I like to think Igor puts them into a block of cement and throws them into the East River.

At this point, my attention turned to The Booze Cart of Love.

Before I go any further, I’d just like to say one thing: I want that fully-stocked bad boy in my home!  Awww, yeah!  There’s all sorts of delicious goodness on that Booze Cart of Love.  I might even write some fanfiction about it.  “And then she slowly took the Maker’s Mark from the BCoL, slowly rubbing her hand across the smooth, Red Cap before slowly removing…”

Ahem.  But I digress.  Anyway, a big reason the BCoL caught my attention was because, at first glance, I assumed we were in an office setting.  I realize that some business people keep alcohol in their offices, but this BCoL is really extreme.  I think I see some Goldschläger.  Was that a sorority girl in the corner?  No… wait.  Focus!  My confusion led me to study the room more carefully, and I realized this wasn’t an office at all — it’s either a conference room or a dining room.  I can’t decide which.  Strange.  Again, I’m left with many questions.  I’m getting tired of questions.  As they say, there’s a thin line between curiosity and wanting to take a nap.

Once Igor is sent to teach the documents a lesson, our fearless hero comes into the scene.  I love her outfit.  It sort of says, “I’m a lesbian who lost the striped blazer that matches these pants.”  After Gina places a coffee cup to her lips a few times in a pantomime of drinking, she calls someone named Scott Dean a “skank” and a “fucktard.”  Poor guy.  I wonder what he ever did to Gina?  I bet he’s gay.  All those gay boys are such skanks… especially the sassy ones.

Little known fact: “fucktard” means “fucking retarded.” I heard fuckspecialneedsperson is the politically correct way to say it, but that’s totally gay.

Gina then goes on to talk to someone in Paris.  I was truly impressed with her French.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Paris will come into play later on in the season.  Otherwise, this scene has absolutely no point other than to relate to us that Gina talks like a 16 year old who plays online games too much.

SUDDEN JUMP TO NEW SCENE!

Rosario answers the door.  I can’t really hear what she says, but luckily, I’m a proficient lip-reader.  She says, “old lady,” then chuckles to herself and walks away.

I don’t even know where to begin with this scene.  I really hate saying anything negative about such nice soap opera actors.  I remember watching Hillary B. Smith on As The World Turns when I was only a wee lass.  She played a great lesbian cop named Margo Hughes on that show.  Oh wait.  No, that was all in my head, but still…  It’s just… It’s hard for me to do this.  Luckily, I’m a strong person who refuses to back down when faced with a challenge.  Let me just say that I think Hillary B. Smith and Tina Sloan are good soap actors — they simply had very little with which to work.

There is absolutely no context in this scene.  I had no idea what was happening when I initially watched it.  This was my first impression:  Maid answers door.  I like to think she just won the lottery and is headed home — she no longer cares who enters her previous employer’s house.  A strange woman wanders in, shocking and confusing the rich woman who lives in the house.  Then, the dream changes and the rich woman does know the crazy woman… errr, wait.  Not a dream.  My bad.  I keep doing that.

Then the crazy woman, let’s name her Sunshine, begins sniffing things while the rich woman, let’s name her Muffy Sinclair, mutely follows her around.  I’d like to declare “mute” the word of the day.  The beginning of this scene would have been greatly helped with some simple, short dialogue.  I know it’s not exactly revolutionary, but introducing characters who don’t have immediately recognizable parts such as “cop,” “doctor,” or “vampire” is necessary.  In my opinion, “crazy woman” and “rich woman” need a bit more explanation.  Something like:

Muffy Sinclair: Sunshine?

Sunshine: Yes, Muffy Sinclair.  I have arriveth at your request.  Once I find a comfy chair, I shall read your cards.

Sunshine could still wander and sniff, and Muffy could still follow her in curious confusion.  We’d know names and understand that Sunshine hadn’t simply wandered in from the street.

I could probably go on and on right now about things like Sunshine rubbing a crystal on her breasts, Sunshine lighting a candle and saying the cryptic phrase, “Lighting the fire of my loins,” (I think… the sound is extremely low in this scene), Sunshine knowing the name Paco after simply looking at a Tarot card, but I won’t.  I’ll simply point out that Sunshine takes off Muffy Sinclair’s earrings:

I’d like to sum up this episode in three words:  What.  The.  Fucktard.

Moving on.

BEHIND THE SCENES

Yes! I’ve decided to review the behind the scenes clips as well!  Oh happy day!

This week’s behind the scenes clip begins with introductions — something we have yet to encounter on Venice: The Series!  Neat!

Once again, we learn that Michele is a sassy character.  Oh, baby girl, you knows she’s sassy!  She’s so sassy I bet she’s responsible for skewing the aspect ratio in many parts of this clip.

There’s not much to talk about here beyond the fact that the three ladies look like they’re having a good time.  Who wouldn’t be with 3 bottles of wine and 1 giant bottle of Grey Goose just feet away?  Kimmy and Crystal even cuddle a little bit.  Aw, they’re so cute together.  Are they dating?

If you look carefully in the picture above, you’ll see a black bra on the tree behind Kimmy’s head.

What the fucktard?

I suppose that’s all I have for you this week.  Once again, Venice really hit a mark!  Now, I think I’ll go hit a mark too — Maker’s Mark, that is.

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